JULY 19, 1996

GAY PEOPLE'S CHRONICLE 23

BIG TIPS

Should I date my ex-lover's ex-lover?

by M.T. "The Big Tipper" Martone

Guess where I had lunch last week? Idaho. Now, if your license plate reads "Famous Potatoes," this is an everyday occurrence, but my repast at Coeur D'Alene's Taco Dude/ Cyber Cafe (I kid you not) was for me a foray into the heart of previously unexplored North America. Despite the incredible beauty of the area, my lasting impression is why Idahomesteaders don't have plates that say "Famous Burritos."

I have, however, recently had occasion to renew my respect for the versatility of our dirty sprouty brother. As part of the festivities of the Fourth, one of my living room lights was shot out by fireworks (my neighbors... don't ask.) This left me with the light bulb's metal base stuck in the fixture, with nothing by which to twist it out. So I got to be Heloise. If you have similarly hurlyburly neighbors, take a handsome, sizable raw potato and push it into the broken lightbulb base. If you are taken by the earthy look this gives your light fixture, leave it there. Otherwise, it should be stuck enough to just twist the offending bulb base out of the socket. Whoo hoo! Replace potato with a black light bulb, break out the velvety posters, Rick Derringer tapes, and party.

Dear Big Tipper,

Did you ever look at what you're feeling and think, this just isn't right? I know it's not right, but that doesn't stop me from dreaming. I'm in love with my ex-lover's ex-lover. My boyfriend dumped me about four months ago and broke my heart. We were together for about a year and a half, and I really thought this one was different. I met him in a bar, but we did lots of things that weren't based on the bar scene. Six months ago we were lying in bed and talking about getting married. Two months later it was over. Before we were together, I knew "Bill," his boyfriend before me. This spring, I joined a chorus and Bill is a member. His boyfriend just broke up with him almost at the same time as my lover and I broke up, and it's been good to have someone to talk to who is in the same situation as me. The more time we spend together, the more I want him. He's really great, and he understands me and what I'm going through. I've been trying to decide what I should do, before he starts dating someone else. What do you think?

Heart Broken and In Love

Dear Broken Love and In Heat,

Hmm. This lad may very well be the cat's jammies, and it certainly would be sticking it to your ex to date his former love. Not that I'm saying that's your intentional motivation, but needling pain-boy may seem tasty right about now. It's probably fine to have your way with him, but make sure you really do like him: you don't want to wake up next to a wacko to spite someone who's not even in the room. If Bill really is a swell guy, this

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could just be a nice rebound fling for both of you. it's still pretty soon after both of your breakups, so you may want to enjoy the comfort instead of trying to build something long-term. But who can control such things...? Good luck.

Dear Big Tipper,

I want to kill my partner. Well, not really, but he's driving me crazy! When he walks our dog, he ties the plastic bag for poop to the leash, which is okay before there's anything. in it, but afterwards, it's disgusting to look at. I think he should carry a little paper bag to put the plastic bag in after it's been used. He thinks I'm being uptight, and refuses to take me seriously on this point. Help me convince him that the neighbors shouldn't have to look at this. Thanks!

Dear Ms. Martone,

Tied Up In Knots

Here's a problem that you wouldn't be asked to answer at any other time of year. My girlfriend and I just graduated from college this spring and moved in together. Neither of us has gotten a real job yet, so we're living in a tiny apartment which, needless to say, has no air conditioning. We saved up money to buy a big fan for the bedroom, but now we're fighting on the "oscillating issue." She wants a fan that oscillates, but it drives me crazy to get blasted with air, then have it stop, then have it start again. I thought we'd just run out and get the fan as soon as we had the money, but this has turned into a big deal, and I feel like I'll never sleep again between the humidity and the cranky girlfriend. Please rush advice.

Dripping Mad

Dear Fit To Be Tied and Sweatin' Sweeties,

I think it's getting steamy outside and things that would have seemed endearing or quirky in April are grounds for divorce in July. Weather forecasters should just cut to the chase and stand in front of digital maps showing hot air fronts hitting masses of unhappy couples. Here's the poop (so to speak): you're being uptight. Neighbors are overjoyed when your dog takes the steaming gift with him and probably couldn't care less about how it actually leaves their lawn. If you can't look at it, have your honey drop it in a trash can before he gets home. Reoscillation: if you can't handle a breeze raking up and down your side, put the fan at the foot of your bed, and the movement should be less obvious. You can also tighten the sweep so it's shorter, if you can't stand waiting for the next rush of air. Both of you: don't be victims of heat rashness. I want you to go lay in a darkened room with little cucumber slices over your eyes, calm down, cool out, and then rub refrigerated witch hazel on your sweeties with little cotton balls. If you can deal now, you'll be jumping in leaf piles together in October.

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